Breakdown
by swaggyzebraTW
Summary: Clary Fray lives a very stressful life, and eventually turns to self-harm. One day, she is just finishing up with her latest series of cuttings when she hears a knock on her door. Who will it turn out to be, and will they find about her secret "therapy" of sorts? Can Jace save Clary from the pain she has brought upon herself? Clace, happy at the end, not too graphic. Self-harm.


**A/N: Well, this just happened. I actually had meant this to just be a graphic description of someone hurting themselves, but it really didn't turn out that way. Hope you all like this, I guess? I think this is my first self-harm fic for this fandom, but I'm not really sure.  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**The Mortal Instruments, **_**all rights go to Cassie Clare and her people. Title based from the Daughtry song, "Breakdown."  
**

I winced lightly, and felt a tear run down an already dampened cheek. The flesh wound on my wrist stung, and blood pooled on the pale skin around it, giving my forearm the look of something fresh from a zombie film. But I was in no movie; instead, I was simply lying crumpled on the cool tile floor of my bathroom, with a razor in one hand and a small collection of bandages in the other.

Knocks sounded on a nearby door, which I soon figured was that of my bedroom in the Institute, and the noise snapped me out of my reverie. Hastily, I tossed my razor in the sink, and rubbed blood off the skin of my arm, which only smudged the liquid along my skin.

Cursing, I wrapped a bandage around the limb and pulled on a long-sleeve tee. "Who is it?" I called as I scrambled to exit the bath and close the door behind me.

"Clary, it's me." The voice said, and I recognized it to have been Jace's. "Let me in, please."

The image of my bathroom quickly came to mind, and I knew that I couldn't risk anyone seeing the blood that coated its floor and sink. "I'm busy," I lied.

"Open up, Clary. I need to talk to you." He said, temporarily pausing from his excessive banging on the door.

I searched hurriedly for some towels to clean up the remained of the mess in the bathroom attached to my bedroom. "We're already talking, Jace." I stalled.

Drawing a stele from my bedside, I drew a quick locking rune on the door that should have been able to keep Jace out for a few more minutes. I found a towel under the bed, and quickly rushed back into the bathroom.

Glancing in the mirror, I saw that my eyes were red and puffy, but my recent wounds were covered with cloth, and invisible to the naked eye. The blood beside the tub and on the floor, however, was not, and stuck out like a sore thumb against the whiteness.

"Clary?" Jace asked from the distance. "Did you seriously lock the door?"

"Go away, Jace!"

My hands ran the towel under a tap before scrubbing at the floor. Pulling the cloth away, I saw that is was dyed crimson, and an irony smell had erupted into the air. My first time seeing the blood, I had become nauseated, but that was a year ago. Now, especially being a shadow-hunter, the liquid was almost as common as water.

The hammering on my door restarted, and I sighed as Jace continued. "Clary, I have a stele with me, and am capable of knocking down the door. Open up."

"Is it dinner or something, Jace? If so, I'll be down in a minute, and you can stop hounding me."

His voice came back muffled from the walls. "I'm giving you three seconds, Clary, to open this damned door—"

I found myself cutting him off as I tossed the towel into a corner, content with the cleaning job I had done. "I'm coming, Jace. Calm down."

Walking across the cool hardwood, I undid the rune placed upon the door with my stele, and turned the nob. In the hallway, Jace stood with his hand posed as though he were about to knock once more, but I had beaten him to it. "What?" I asked, sounding somewhat peeved to my own ears.

Jace's eyes roved up and down my body twice, before he put his head to the side a little and studied me further, all while maintaining a look of lazy disinterest. "Why are you wearing long-sleeves? You never do."

Shrugging, I tried to act although it were no big deal. "Just felt like it," I lied.

It didn't appear as though he believed me, but he didn't question it further. "Can I come in?" He asked.

My mouth opened to answer him, but no words came before he pushed by me and entered my bedroom. Crossing across its floor, he glanced around, taking in the appearance of my residence in the Institute.

"Love what you've done with the place," he said dryly; sitting down on the trunk at the foot of the bed.

Jace's long pianist fingers plucked my sketchbook from off the bed, and he began to leaf through it. Rushing to his side, I took it from him, and in my haste to get it away from his prying eyes, my sleeves rolled up a little. The blood on my wrist had soaked through the bandages, and it was obvious that I was hurt. With haste, I pulled my sleeve back down, but it was too late.

I felt his hand seize my wrist, and I winced as his fingers hit the largest of the cuts on my forearm. Not able to hide the pain, I confirmed Jace's suspicions, and he quickly raised my sleeve.

The bandages I had hurriedly wrapped around my torn skin were now stained and slipping away from the wounds, and the beginnings of a previous cut was showing past the covering. Unable to look at the pain I had inflicted to myself, I tore my gaze away and looked at the floor beneath us.

Jace gasped. "Did a demon do this to you? Why didn't you tell us—"

"It wasn't a demon." I stated quietly, cutting him off.

I could tell that confusion was crossing his features during the brief pause before he spoke again. "What was it, then?"

No words came to my lips, and I felt my arm fall limply to my side as Jace dropped it out of his grasp. My fingers curled into fists; the nails on their tips digging almost painfully into my palm. Unable to stop myself, a tear fell down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away, hoping that Jace hadn't seen. He probably had.

"I'm going to kill whoever did this to you—" Jace said angrily, his hot breath spilling onto the nape of my neck and eliciting a shiver that crawled down my spine.

I stopped him mid sentence, my words barely audible to my own ears as I said them. "I did it to myself, Jace. There's no one to blame but me."

"I don't understand, Clary—"

I turned abruptly, facing him and looking him right in the eye. "I did it," I explained; a little louder than before. "I did this to myself, Jace."

His eyes flitted back to my wrist, which he took once more and inspected for a second time. Jace's fingers wrapped themselves around the remains of the bandage, and, as softly as he could, he tore the material away from my stinging skin. The gasp that flew from my mouth made him pause, and he frowned.

"Why would you do this to yourself, Clary? Don't you know how much everyone cares for you here?"

Once again, my eyes dropped to the floor. "It's nothing personal—" I began.

Jace's voice raised. "Nothing personal‽ Clary, you're hurting yourself! How would that _not_ effect me on a personal level?"

I shrugged. "I don't know…"

Hands pressed against my jaw, pulling my face up level with his. I looked into his deep golden eyes, and saw something I had seldom seen in them: sorrow. Jace's eyebrows were bunched together, furrowing into a fine line of frustration. We were close enough that I could see every pore in his flawless skin, and his exhales tickled my cheeks.

"How many times have you done it?" He asked, sounding resigned.

I could only answer honestly. "I don't know, Jace. Enough to know that it helps."

His brows shot up his forehead. "It helps? How can making yourself bleed possibly help anyone?"

Anger suddenly rose up inside me, and I pushed Jace back with all my might. "It just does!"

He didn't move much, and I cursed when my action had caused the cuts on my arm to reopen and bleed once again. A few drops of the crimson fell onto the floor, and I quickly looked around for something that I could use to clean the mess up with. After not seeing anything immediately, I lost it, and fell down to the floor.

Jace's hands wrapped around my shoulders, and he tugged me back to my feet; tucking my head into his chest as he whispered in my ear. "I'm sorry, Clary. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, but I need to get you some help. Maybe an iratze—"

"It wouldn't work," I interrupted, my voice sounding muffled from being in his shirt, which was quickly becoming damp with my tears. "Runes don't work well on self-inflicted injuries."

Jace bent over suddenly, and hitched me up into his arms, walking me over to the bed. He set me down lightly, and my body sank into the mattress and the pillows. I felt his fingers turn my wrist upwards, and my eyes fluttered closed with exhaustion—blood loss probably being the reason for it.

There was a short sound when Jace was rifling through my drawers, and he let out a sigh, which I assumed meant he had found what he was looking for. I felt his warmth as he hovered over me, but also felt the harsh sting as something was poured on my wrist, which made my eyes snap back open and from my lips fell a strangled cry.

"Sorry," he said, his apology reaching his eyes. "I have to clean it, though, and that means using alcohol, which will sting a bit."

I forced my eyes to squeeze shut once more, and I braced for the pain to come. "Just get it over with," I hissed.

He was quick; dabbing a cloth against my stained skin as gently as possible to remove all of the dirt and grime that had already collected on it. It hurt, and my unharmed hand bunched into the bedsheets; making and unraveling in a fisting motion.

Finally, that pain subsided and turned into an odd tickling sensation of bandages being wrapped around the circumference of my wrist. I opened my eyes back up, and saw that Jace was biting his lip in a way that I could only describe as painful, and his eyes were focused at my arm, which was rested in his lap.

"Thank you," I said. "I probably couldn't have done it all myself."

"You have before, haven't you?" He asked coldly, his tone as bitter as a vial of vinegar.

"Jace—"

He pointed at a faded scar close to the junction of my elbow. "When was that made?"

I didn't answer, and suddenly the memories of all the other scars I had made leaped to the forefront of my mind. The cuts I had inflicted were not all made on my wrists. In example, I had some on my feet and my stomach, along with my shoulders. Luckily, because of my being a Shadowhunter, the faded remains of runes covered up the scars, and they were often hard to spot for the naked eye. You could only see them if you were looking for them, which, I suppose, Jace was at this point, and I couldn't bring myself to blame him.

"Where else?" He asked, using a softer voice that barely echoes in the silent expanse of my bedroom.

I shrugged, acting as though it was no big deal. "My feet, my shoulders, some on my stomach…"

"Let me see them," Jace said, moving further down on the bed so that he now had my feet set into his lap. "Please, Clary."

Nodding, I felt my body tense under his gaze. Within seconds, my socks were stripped from my body, and they fell to the floor with inaudible thumps. Tentatively, Jace reached out and touched a few spots on my feet, forming intricate lines that I had once run a blade along. I heard him sigh, and his hands travelled up my ankles and towards the flesh of my stomach.

He stopped with his hands at the hem of my tee, looking at me with pleading eyes that clearly requested my permission to look at my stomach. I was uneasy, as no boy had ever really seen that much of my bare skin, let alone be someone so attractive or close to me as Jace was. Eventually, I bowed my head in a terse nod, and closed my eyes.

The fabric at my waist slowly inched up, and warm breath was expelled onto the sweat-dampened skin of my belly. The movement stopped at my ribcage, and I sucked in a breath as fingers traced some of the silvery scars that littered the pale expanse of the newly-exposed skin.

Before I even knew what was happening, I felt Jace's hot mouth on the dermis of my stomach as he peppered open-mouthed kisses along every single one of the scars. The gesture was doubtlessly sweet and gentle, yet I shuddered; surely, contact like this was beyond the intimacy of friends, right?

One last kiss was placed at my ribcage, before my tee was pulled back down, and Jace began to kiss down the trail of scars at my leg that led to my feet. His touch was light-as-a-feather, and for some reason that I couldn't comprehend, I found myself resisting the urge to buck up into his touch.

Sweet nothings were mumbled along my now saliva coated skin, and it was as though a switch was flipped, and now only me and Jace and this bed belonged to my world. Nothing else seemed to matter at that instant, and I found myself opening my eyes so that I could look at Jace.

He was wearing a t-shirt with jeans, and the blackened swirls of his runes poked out from his sleeves and the collar on his shirt. For once, he wasn't wearing a jacket, and the muscles of his arms were on clear display as he neat before me; his knees dipping deeply into the mattress. Jace's hair was curly as usual, and was pasted to his temples and forehead with what appeared to be sweat. There was a frown upon his face, which I desperately wished to remove and replace with a smile.

"I'm so sorry, Jace." I whispered, trying to plead for his forgiveness. "I never meant for it to go this far, and it's not your fault—"

His gaze turned to the wall. "It _feels_ like my fault," he said softly. "You have no idea how much it hurts me to see you like this, and I wish nothing more than to have been able to stop you from doing all this to yourself. If I had just _known_, Clary, I wouldn't have let you do this."

"No one knew," I explained to him. "I hid this from everyone."

"I should have been able to figure it out, though." I said, clenching his hands into fists, which he placed into his lap. "All of the missing medical supplies, all of your unexplained absences… I should have noticed it and done something about it."

I sighed and reached for him, ignoring the sharp pain of protest that came from my arm. "There was nothing you could have done. I would have continued to have hid it from you with all my ability."

There was a brief pause before, "Why?"

That confused me a little. "Why what, Jace?"

His eyes moved to meet mine once more. "Why did you hide it from _me_, Clary? I thought that my love for you would at least help me earn your trust—"

"You _love_ me‽" I asked, the words flying from my lips without my even thinking twice about them. "Are you serious?"

Jace looked hurt at that. "Of course I'm serious, although, I should have saved that announcement for a little better of a time. Maybe on a romantic picnic or something."

I was momentarily speechless; unable to believe the words he had just told me. _I thought that my love for you,_ he had said, his voice never once wavering in a way that would signal dishonesty. Though, Isabelle had told me long ago that Jace wasn't a liar, and that he always told the truth, no matter how harsh it may be. This truth, however, did not seem harsh, as I too had feelings for him.

"I-I…" I stuttered, not knowing what to say back to him.

He remained silent himself, simply staring at me expectantly.

Eventually, I just couldn't take it anymore, and began to ramble along hurriedly. "I think I love you, too, and I have for a while now. But, I never thought you liked me back, so I kept quiet. And, then, all this crazy crap happened with my father and us being siblings and then my brother coming into our lives. I got so stressed, but I didn't know who to turn to, so I just kinda turned to harming myself, and I'm so sorry, Jace. I wish I hadn't now, and I know I can't take it back, but—"

Through my speech, I hadn't noticed Jace crawl back the length of the bed, and I found myself successfully silenced wen I felt the brush of his lips on mine. At first, I was so surprised that I simply remained completely and utterly still. But soon, Jace's skilled lips elicited a small gasp, which made my lips part the slightest, and I found myself quickly kissing him back with all my might.

All too soon, air became a necessity, and he pulled away, but kept his hands tangled in my hair. Both of our breaths mingled as we panted harshly, and began grinning madly at each other. Our face's were still close together, and his golden eyes were almost all I could see.

"You were taking too much," he whispered seductively, as though it explained all of our kissing. "And, I couldn't resist when you confessed your love for me."

I blushed, my breath just beginning to even out. I had one hand in his hair, with the fingers fisted into the soft waves of golden-blonde, while my other, injured hand hanging awkwardly at his ribcage. An odd draft hit my stomach, where my shirt had apparently risen a little on its own accord during our little make out session.

I was the happiest I had been in a long while, and I couldn't help but wish to stay there forever with Jace, stuck in this moment of imperfect perfection. "So," I began softly, "where does this leave us?"

He shrugged, and a loose chuckle vibrated through his chest. "Honestly, Clary? I don't know. All I truly know is that I am madly in love with you, and want you to be happy. If you want to be by my side, and give us a chance, I would love for that to happen. If not, I'll understand, but I certainly won't ever let you hurt yourself again, or let anyone else hurt you, for that matter."

My heart fluttered with excited disbelief at what I was hearing. "Of course I want to be with you, Jace." I admitted honestly, smiling wider than I ever had before. "I want there to be an us."

"But?" He asked, sounding nervous, which was new for Jace.

"No buts." I answered, bringing my lips back to his in another kiss, which we both smiled into.

_This might just be the start of the best thing that has ever happened to me,_ I thought, kissing Jace with enough vigor to power a small town.

**A/N: Well, I haven't posted anything for a while, and to anyone who follows any of my ongoing fics, I apologize. I'm having writer's block, and even small one-shots like this feel forced. I hope this wan't too bad, so please review. Anyone feel free to PM me with ideas for really any fic, it doesn't even have to be for this fandom. I just **_**really**_** need ideas. Anyway, thanks for reading!**


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